Teefs

Dear Teeth,
Wouldn't it be cool if you could work a deal with coffee and drinking it would make you whiter? I get it, dark liquids are not your thing, but you belong to me. Stop turning yellow and I will stop assaulting you with bleach.
Love,
LIN-nuh

Hairspray

Dear Hairspray,
It would be nice if you did your job and just sprayed my hair instead of going crazy and spraying my hair, my face, the bathroom mirror and counter, the face of whomever walks behind me at inopportune times (probably their own fault though), the back of my neck, and all the nooks and crannies of my ears. Calm down, girl.
Love,
Lynna

Cash

Dear cash,
You make me sick - I want more of you; however, you are just a dirty mule for transporting germs and inevitably getting me sick. You, bittersweet tease, you.
Love,
Lynna

Juice Bottle

Dear Juice Bottle,
I do not appreciate you hanging out in the refrigerator when you are empty. It makes no sense for you to hold your place on the shelf when you hold nothing inside your plastic walls. Certainly this is your own doing, for it could not possibly be the angelic boys living in this house who would drink the last of your contents and put you back in the fridge because they are too lazy to rinse you out and throw you in the recycling bin.
Love,
Lynna

Litter

Dear Cat Litter,
Stop hitching rides on the cat's paws and scattering yourself ALL over the house to irritate me.
Love,
Lyyyyyynna

Skin

Dear Skin,
What is wrong with you that you scar so easily? I am gonna have to get LOTS of tattoos to cover up your sins.
Love,
Lynna

Eyelashes

Dear Eyelashes,
I would love to save time in the morning by not having to use my eyelash curler..but, alas, you just keep growing stick straight and hang in my eyes. Just wait until they develop perms for facial hair!
Love,
Lynna

College Commercials

Dear Kaplan University Commercials,
You have the most annoying presence on TV. I would rather stare at a blank screen for those 47 seconds.
Love,
Lynna

Blisters

Dear Blisters,
There are other ways to let me know that my feet don't like new shoes. You are dismissed.
Love,
Lynna

Veins

Dear Veins,
Thanks for ruining strapless dresses for me. Either you should stop being so blue or my skin should stop being so see through, but one thing is for sure: you so visibly wrapping around my shoulders and chest is not so pretty.
Love,
LyNnA

Nightmares

Dear Nightmares,
I am not five years old anymore.. I have outgrown you so you must stop interrupting my sleep.
Love,
7ynna

Love Handles

Dear Love Handles,
Don't be fooled by your own name; we took a poll: no one loves you.
Love,
Lynna

Facial Hair

Dear Lady Facial Hair,
There is no better explanation for being dateless on a Friday night and friendless. Thanks.
Love,
Lynna

Gums

Dear Receding Gums,
Do you just love the dentist and sensodyne? The more you recede, the more I have unprotected, sensitive areas of my teeth. You hurt me.
Love,
Lynna

Sun

Dear Sun,
It is quite the elaborate prank you pull giving people a beautiful glow in their youth and then turning into a leathery disaster of skin. I hope having the last laugh is very satisfying for you.
Love,
Annyl