Teefs

Dear Teeth,
Wouldn't it be cool if you could work a deal with coffee and drinking it would make you whiter? I get it, dark liquids are not your thing, but you belong to me. Stop turning yellow and I will stop assaulting you with bleach.
Love,
LIN-nuh

Hairspray

Dear Hairspray,
It would be nice if you did your job and just sprayed my hair instead of going crazy and spraying my hair, my face, the bathroom mirror and counter, the face of whomever walks behind me at inopportune times (probably their own fault though), the back of my neck, and all the nooks and crannies of my ears. Calm down, girl.
Love,
Lynna

Cash

Dear cash,
You make me sick - I want more of you; however, you are just a dirty mule for transporting germs and inevitably getting me sick. You, bittersweet tease, you.
Love,
Lynna