Juice Bottle

Dear Juice Bottle,
I do not appreciate you hanging out in the refrigerator when you are empty. It makes no sense for you to hold your place on the shelf when you hold nothing inside your plastic walls. Certainly this is your own doing, for it could not possibly be the angelic boys living in this house who would drink the last of your contents and put you back in the fridge because they are too lazy to rinse you out and throw you in the recycling bin.
Love,
Lynna

Litter

Dear Cat Litter,
Stop hitching rides on the cat's paws and scattering yourself ALL over the house to irritate me.
Love,
Lyyyyyynna

Skin

Dear Skin,
What is wrong with you that you scar so easily? I am gonna have to get LOTS of tattoos to cover up your sins.
Love,
Lynna

Eyelashes

Dear Eyelashes,
I would love to save time in the morning by not having to use my eyelash curler..but, alas, you just keep growing stick straight and hang in my eyes. Just wait until they develop perms for facial hair!
Love,
Lynna

College Commercials

Dear Kaplan University Commercials,
You have the most annoying presence on TV. I would rather stare at a blank screen for those 47 seconds.
Love,
Lynna

Blisters

Dear Blisters,
There are other ways to let me know that my feet don't like new shoes. You are dismissed.
Love,
Lynna

Veins

Dear Veins,
Thanks for ruining strapless dresses for me. Either you should stop being so blue or my skin should stop being so see through, but one thing is for sure: you so visibly wrapping around my shoulders and chest is not so pretty.
Love,
LyNnA

Nightmares

Dear Nightmares,
I am not five years old anymore.. I have outgrown you so you must stop interrupting my sleep.
Love,
7ynna

Love Handles

Dear Love Handles,
Don't be fooled by your own name; we took a poll: no one loves you.
Love,
Lynna

Facial Hair

Dear Lady Facial Hair,
There is no better explanation for being dateless on a Friday night and friendless. Thanks.
Love,
Lynna

Gums

Dear Receding Gums,
Do you just love the dentist and sensodyne? The more you recede, the more I have unprotected, sensitive areas of my teeth. You hurt me.
Love,
Lynna

Sun

Dear Sun,
It is quite the elaborate prank you pull giving people a beautiful glow in their youth and then turning into a leathery disaster of skin. I hope having the last laugh is very satisfying for you.
Love,
Annyl

Contacts

Dear Contacts,
Oh, how you toy with me! Such a blessing to give me sight but then just rip whenever you wish. You walk a fine line between love and hate.
Love,
Lynna

Broom

Dear Broom,
I like that you actually make more of a mess than you clean up. Not good, buddy.
Love,
Lynna

Washer

Dear Washing Machine,
You kind of smell like pee...what happened there? I am not so appreciative of the very distinct aroma you have left on the last load of clothes...
Love,
Lynna

Power Outage

Dear Power Outage,
You make me sad, and then angry when I realize I have no idea where we keep the flashlights.
Love,
L***a

Soapscum

Dear Soapscum,
I think we would have a more positive relationship if you weren't so clearly stupid. You are soap. You are meant to clean. Why you scum up my bathtub, brat?
Love,
Lynna

Acne

Dear Acne,
NO one likes YOU. Ok, maybe some dermatologists, but that's not saying much.
Love,
Lynna

Plaid Shorts

Dear Plaid Shorts,
When are you going to go out of style?? Soon, please.
Love,
Lynna

Eye Boogers

Dear Eye Boogers (or "sleep"),
You are kind of awkward, especially on a day I decided to wear tons of eyeliner.
Love,
Lynna

Uterus

Dear Uterus,
Are you trying to win the contest for cramp star of the year? Cause...you did...along with the prize for being the most debilitating part of my day. Ugh.
Love,
Lynna

Earring hole

Dear Earring Hole,
What is happening inside of you? When I change my earrings and that smells come out, I seriously want to puke.
Love,
Lynn.....a?

Sweat

Dear Sweat,
You really kill my lady-like image... Thanks for cooling me down, but could you figure out a way to run down the INSIDE of my body?
Love,
Lynna

Straps

Dear Purse StrapS,
I understand your purpose, but I hate when there are two of you on one purse - one of you is ALWAYS falling down! It's probably my fault how psychotically irritated I get about the whole situation, but whatever.
Love,
Lynna

Goosebumps

Dear Goosebumps,
Thanks for making my taking time to actually shave my legs this morning worthless. See you next week when we repeat this process. Maybe you could figure out other ways to frustrate me. I dare you.
Love,
Lynna

Deja Vu

Dear Deja Vu,
How does it feel to know that your very existence is to annoy people? Does it make you feel like a man that you are hated by everyone? Congratulations; goal accomplished, jerk.
Love,
Lynna

Earwax

Dear Earwax,
You are disgusting. DISGUSTING.
Love,
Lyn na

Construction

Dear Construction,
You make me nuts. The only solace I have when dealing with you is my radio and my cell phone. Take your orange cones and shove it.
Love,
Lynna

Humidity

Dear Humidity,
Is it too much for me to ask you to just couple up with a strong breeze at least? You are friend to no one.
Love,
Lynna

Shoe Farts

Dear Shoe Farts,
As if you aren't embarrassing enough, you only seem to happen at the quietest moments in the most populated places. Attention-seek much? Geez.
Love,
L/y/n/n/a

Attention Span

Dear Attention Span,
Bahhhh...I would like it if we hung out more. But alas, you run away before I have a chance to take advantage of you.
Love,
Lynna

Caffeine headache

Dear Caffeine Headache,
If it weren't for you, I would quit my coffee habit. Way to conspire with my already raging addiction.
Love,
Lynna

Coffee Jitters

Dear coffee jitters,
What use are you to me? You make life harder to live.
Love,
Lynna

Intentions

Dear intentions,
Whether you are bad or good, you are purposeless. You are just what was supposed to happen but didn't yet and probably never will. You are completely useless...unless, of course, for people to use as an explanation (excuse) for what was supposed to but did not come to fruition. You = basically worthless.
Love,
Leeeeeeena

Metaphors

Dear Metaphors,
Sometimes you work, sometimes you don't. Usually you backfire. You fail.
Love,
Lynna

Bleach

Dear Bleach,
Although I appreciate how you clean stains, I do not enjoy how you jump all over my clothes and decide to leave your autograph of colorless splotches. Sometimes I wish I could erase YOU.
Love,
Lynna

Cowlick

Dear Cowlicks,
You are aggravating.
I hate when you taunt me by pretending to be defeated by hairspray and then five minutes later, popping out your ugly presence again.
You watch me train you with my bobby pins and we shall see who gets the last laugh.
Probably you. CURSES.
Love,
Lynna

Fivehead

Dear fivehead,
You know what you are...not attractive.
Love,
Lynna

Potholes

Dear Potholes,
You damage my car and thus damage my spirit.
Love,
Lynna

Allergies

Dear Allergies,
You bother my sinuses and then I get headaches and am very unpleasant to be around. You make me feel like crap and then act crappy towards others. You are the catalyst to a vicious cycle.
You are a bully.
Love,
L

Flu

Dear Flu,
You weren't invited. Please leave. Take your upchuck reflex with you.
Love,
Lynna

Eczema

Dear Eczema,
You are gross, itchy, burny, ugly, and generally not very nice.
Love,
Lynna

Mind

Dear Mind,
I bet you're with the missing sock, huh? I miss you.
Love,
Lynna

Memory

Dear Memory,
Why have you betrayed me? You were not supposed to run away from me for a few more decades.
Love,
Lynna

Dust

Dear Dust,
Stop accumulating!
Love,
Lynananana

White woodwork

Dear white woodwork,
You proudly display dust, dirt, fingerprints, smudges, dings, paint drippings, etc. It fills me with rage.
Love,
Lynna

Thorn bushes

Dear thorn bushes,
Do you really have to just hang out so close to the mailboxes at the post office? Your branches come out so far and hang over your allotted area and you make me nervous every time I drive up to drop off mail. I don't think my car would look very cute with scratches running along my driver's side doors.
Love,
L-ynna

Fingers

Dear short, stubby fingers,
You are so irritatingly uncoordinated and pretty much useless when trying to play guitar hero. You might as well just be nubs with fingernails.
Love,
Lynna

Winter air

Dear winter air,
You make my skin very dry and flaky and you make my scalp itch like crazy and you are not helping the situation with my already dry, damaged hair. Also, you sometimes give me nosebleeds. You are also not welcome.
Love,
Lynna

Body hair

Dear body hair,
Although I appreciate the extra warmth and insulation during the cold months when I don't shave you, you are not welcome on my female body because you are disgusting.
Love,
Lynna

Hair

Dear hair,
Why didn't you tell me I was hurting you? You're not pretty..you've lost your shine and your softness and everything that allows people to know that you are hair, not just some disgusting roadkill that got glued to my scalp.
I know it's my fault that you aren't particularly attractive. You're not ugly, you're just...earthy.
Love,
Lynna

Lactose Intolerance

Dear lactose intolerance,
I don't really like tolerating you, but I do. Perhaps you could at least TRY to tolerate milk.
Love,
Lynna

Hangnail

Dear results of a torn hangnail,
You have been hurting and bothering me for a month...I'm pretty sure you had an infection at one point and that's gross.
You have effectively ruined everyday of my life since you happened.
Love,
Lynna

Grocery shopping

Dear grocery shopping,
I really hate that I have to do you all the time...like every other day. Because I can't stop my family from eating and using up paper products and various toiletries, I choose to not like you.
Your only redeeming quality is that I can have a solid 45 minutes of uninterrupted time with my iPod.
Love,
L-ynna

Pet hair

Dear pet hair,
You are all over my house, all over my clothes, all over my dinner table, in all my food, you have invaded my whole life. Of course I could blame the cat, but I really don't think she chose to shed everywhere, so instead I will blame you and the weak hair follicle that decided to let go of you. Grrr.
Love,
Lima

Sinus infection

Dear sinus infection,
I'm pretty sick of you and your phlegm..and the green snot. I'm also not a fan of not being able to breathe. You suck.
Love,
LynnnnnnnnnnNa

Suitcase "purse"

Dear purse,
You are so heavy and so big and many people make fun of me for carrying you. I wish you could magically get smaller and lighter. But I understand that I need you..my pockets just won't fit all the vital things I might one day need - like headphones.
Settle for a love/hate relationship?
Love/hate,
Lima Bean

Personality Flaw

Dear personality flaw,
Where did you come from? Why can't you be normal?
Love,
LLYYNNAA

Weather

Dear Iowa weather,
Twenty degrees below zero? How could you do that to the mailman? You are ridiculous and mean.
Love,
Lynna